Do you have a straightener and are extra lubricated condoms not the norm?
I definitely just put my boxers on backwards.
haha now u have to piss out ur bum
Condoms? Check. Glitter? Check. Fuck me pumps? Double check. Dignity? No where to be found. I'm about to homewreck the shit out of that dumb bitch.
I've been meaning to talk to you about your lack of self-respect these days and the toll it's taking on your vagina.
The one night I bring a girl home you leave the footloose soundtrack playing.
i just heard someone have an orgasm and then throw up through the vent in my room.
Drunk on an escalator. I fell like 15 flights of stairs without actually moving more than 5 feet.
I just made doing the dishes into a drinking game. crafty, or pathetic?
I was so proud to be driving sober that I wanted to get pulled over so I could tell the officer I hadn't been drinking.
Note to self: last nights makeup does NOT, under ANY circumstances, look good today.
Then this bride walked into the bar, she thought it would be a good idea to hug her & then she started playing parachute with her train.
let's make a party pact right now just as precaution for this trip: ill make sure you don't piss yourself if you make sure I don't bang my cousins friends. deal?
It tastes like you we're too lazy to shower and instead just sprayed yourself with Febreeze.
You have a very discerning palate.
there's a drunk hobo under the bridge wearing a jester hat and screaming at women
What's sexier than showing up smelling like fast food cigarettes with a jar of moonshine in your hand
Take a shit and have a hit. It's the Sunday Funday Rule.
Randomize
