I DID IT WITH MY SOCKS ON!
I just followed up on a noise complaint...only to find 2 girls in bikinis covered in jello with beer cans everywhere. I couldn't bring myself to bust that party.
I want to be a cop.
Am I allowed to make my facebook status "loves farting in chairs"? I think it would shock every boy that I am friends with.
why are there beer bottles in my dishwasher?
I am so getting Plan B when we get home. Not getting knocked up by a dude with a hair piece.
We turned everything surrounding BP and the oil leak into a "that's what she said" drinking game. We've been drunk for a month
seriously who else gets carried home puking from a fucking mary kay party?
Drinking wine out of an empty soup can and watching spongebob squarepants.. I eveb hate myself
Today's face brought to you by last night's make-up.
he walked down the highway for 3 miles at 4 am, and got me coffee on the way. i dont think a blow job would have been enough.
You can jump from the roof to the pool. Trust me. I have done this before.
Last time I was your wingman I had to deal with a girl whose only interest in my body was to clip my toenails. I'm not interested.
I want to tell you your future: you're going to be having sex
I'm officially removing you from my nudes recipient list on snapchat.
hi, I love you... and I'm sorry your floor is covered in popcorn, your cabinet is broken, all your alcohol is gone, you're 80 dollars poorer, everything in your bedside table is soaked in beer, austin slept in your bed in those disgusting underwear, I made out with your toilet seat, and for talking to your mom with a four loko in my hand
Randomize
