I managed to convince my mom that my hickey was a birth mark I have always had. She cried for an hour about being a terrible mother for never noticing it.
I'm not 100% sure, but I think someone gave me a bath last night...
just passed out while on hold to see if i left my debit card at the bar last night.
ok perfect im about to bedazzle our mini keg named hans. he is ready to rage
Dude sorry but it totally wasn't worth going back in there for yous shoes
Sorry we're taking so long, this weed cake tastes amazing with Tabasco sauce on it.
You're welcome to join, but just to warn you, tequila makes my clothes disappear. And I'm telling you that as an adult to an adult, not as your supervising teacher who decides whether or not you graduate.
I have a huge bruise on my thigh that I am 95% sure is due to you repeatedly throwing me over couches.
Um yeah. I just puked. And found your contact.
Just found out that his ringtone for me is a train blowing bc and I quote 'I know when you call I'm getting laid'
So I got drunk last night and attempted to shave a landing strip on my vag. I now have a 8 lane highway on my crotch now. Just looks like a random ass square.
He was like low grade Riff Raff, but I hit it. Twice. His grill popped out the second time.
I'm watching Trainwreck with Jeff and realizing that I'm the John Cena in my relationship.
We should get drunk in walmart
when?
20 minutes ago
-367$ and a torn scrotum.. Panama wins
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