Sometimes I think its so cool that a dick that has been inside kate moss has also been inside me. So exciting.
too bad they don't have a 'people you may be able to do' thing on facebook. it would save me a lot of fucking time.
I just saw a fat chick walking across campus talking to herself and licking her lips. Diet season is scary.
I got cut off for calling the flower girl a slut. What are you doing?
how does 'resolution to respect myself more' follow 'he fucks me really hard'?
He ate me out on the kitchen floor while we waited for the cake to bake. How was your Valentines Day?
I had fun watching you interact with the world around you. Like a fuckin 8 year old kid who just discovered build a bear but really wants a cigarette.
You were pouring Patron into the window of the squad car trying to get the police dog to drink it
So thats why that cop beat my ass?
Probably
Today is a spill-drugs-all-over-myself kind of day.
I mean, you have to swipe right on someone you had sex with last week though, right?
Did you really just reference your penis in a pep talk? I think I may love you more now.
Just so u know, "come here buckey" has no effect on ur cat, but "hey fucker you wanna get high or what?" will cause him to run from the other room knocking shit over. We smoked outta the gravity bong, then he went and ate.
walked into my room this morning clutching two empty bottles of sminoff to find my roommate's ultra conservative parents staring at my posters of naked men. fuck parents weekend.
He literally shoved the EMT, climbed in the back of the ambulance with his vodka and was like, "C'mon, people. Wrap this up. I got shit to do."
We were having sex but then he spanked me and i punched him but it was just a reflex i swear
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