So we were in the middle of hooking up when he stopped me. I thought he was having a moral dilemma about the whole having a girlfriend thing. But no. He got down on all fours, butt naked, and started throwing up and farting simultaneously. I took it as my cue to leave.
you used progresso chicken soup as a mixer last night
Had to use Google translator to be able to tell the cleaning lady not to throw away the condoms we have strategically placed throughout the house.
i was trying to wake him up so i just kept touching his dick
I just got my inseam measured in raffle tickets by a drag queen. Being fondled for charity is awesome.
dude just did a line with screech. dude is fucking creepy
and then we had to stop you from trying to pour shots through your nose with the neti pot.
Hey thanks again for rolling me that blunt necklace. It was amazing.
We ran out of ice cubes so I used ice cream. Everyone thought that was the plan all along. I just went with it.
I saw you sitting on top of my car trying to row back home... Did you make it?
She said she liked strap-ons.
SHE WAS TALKING ABOUT SHOES, YOU ASSHOLE! YOU'RE THE WORST WINGMAN EVER!
Hey I'm not sure why your jacket's covered in maple syrup but I just realized you didn't leave the house earlier wearing a jacket...
I just watched videos of people getting puppies and crying, I cried too. Definitely still drunk
That awkward moment when you realize you've been secretly blackout dating someone for three months. Drunk me is in a committed relationship.
Sexual side note: sushi and cum do not mix well. That is all.
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