Hahaha figures, hmm should I spank you? Or throw a cow at you?
Those kids are glorified dude-bros. It's banal.
saw you walking with that piece of shit
and that piece of shit just read that
drunk pissing on my closed toilet lid is actually quite a sobering experience
This girl has a second refrigerator that she uses JUST for liquor, her kitchen chairs are kegs AND she can grill. I'm not coming back.
I was talking to some girls while you were falling off your bar stool into the person next to you.
im pretty sure the clearest way to say "dont worry, im not emotionally attached" was by sleeping with his roommate the next night
Explain it like you would if you were talking to a 5 yo
Wait no, like you would to a stoned high school freshman.
Then, halfway through our conversation, I remembered what you drunkenly told me last night and was all "maintain eye contact, do not look at his massive penis".
After we hooked up, his roommate shouted "I LIKE TO HAVE SEX TOO" from across the apartment
he just used a semicolon in the middle of a sext
I literally wonder, frequently, "Will anyone ever fuck me until i go cross eyed for 2 hours again?''
just had a woman ask me to donate my eggs so that her baby could look like me. don't know whether to get a restraining order or be flattered. thoughts?
where are my pants?
in the oven.
I hate waking up to a room that reeks of bad decisions...
Randomize