Ben affleck wants to be a US senator. Just thought you would puke with me
I'm sitting here watching a kid lick a basketball- where have i gone wrong in life?
his text ended with ... everyone knows dot dot dot equals infer sexy time
I was happy to be the center of attention..until i realized why everyone was staring
you told him to eat candy out of your ear instead of your vagina because you had your period. never. drink. AGAIN.
he took off his pants and apologized in advance if I thought he was too small.
Year anniversary in a month. Think I'll just give him a COME ON MY FACE FREE card. I'm both broke and shameless.
My costume for the end of the world party was a success. Everyone in the ER thought I was there because I got hit by a car when it was actually from alcohol poisoning.
I just had to go dumpster diving, at 3am, in the rain, because I realized that I somehow threw away the brand new package of birth control pills I picked up from the pharmacy this afternoon. So I'm sort of a responsible adult.
Being in nursing school really pays off when your dealer tries to pass off naproxen as Percocet. Like I may have made a C in pharm but I aced the pain drug test
his ex girlfriend sent him a pic of her naked in the bathtub so I sent her a pic of me sucking his dick
Umm... When he walked in I shot him with my confetti gun... It's a wonder my booty calls even show up.
Quit bitching. I brought you a muffin.
Remember that one time you told the bartender he was fuckable? Well, he's here.
If I say I hate myself for it does it make it any better?
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