Circus confirmed... Jello shots before 9 pm are not cocktails for sucess
They should make Glad Forceflex condoms.
Then he told me he was 40. I'm not sure if I have enough Daddy issues to go for it
LA Sucks. The only way i can get laid is if i tell people im at a law firm that represent film producers.
And when they figure it out, they act like IM shallow.
Apparently it's poor taste to ask for a break up blow job...in McDonald's. Also, that's not the best way to break the news either.
Drunk me cleaned my room for me. Needless to say our relationship has improved greatly
Oh thank Jesus fuck for my shitty infertile womb. Crisis averted
the chips you spilled whiskey on is not the same thing as Irish breakfast potatoes
Good news: I actually puked in my bathroom, the vomit from the living room was actually from someone else.
That's horrible but hilarious
I'm going to miss college.
So here's a brief summary of my weekend: last night I drank four glasses of Death Punch, grabbed the toaster, said "This is mine", put it in my pants and walked out the front door.
Is there anything more American than getting day drunk and watching Hulk Hogan promos?
Holy shit, did you actually CHOOSE to get hit by the alcohol truck last night?
I think you might be the first man ever to describe getting a blowjob as "neat"
Well hell, he's gotta sleep in the bed he's made. Multiple times. For multiple girls I'm sure.
Can’t. Tonight’s a netflix and dick night
Randomize
