Omg. Just talked to a semi driver from nebraska. Got her truck stuck. Gave her and her riding buddy a glass of vodka and a cig. YES.
She says ass holes are for stuffing, the verb, not stuffing, the noun.
Please don't die.. At a gay bar... On a Wednesday. Obituaries are not allowed to be that entertaining.
When the tupperware hit the highway it was like a vomit bomb
sitting in the bathroom telling some girl to keep puking or she will die. while holding a beer. nursing school rocks.
I loved your drunken rendition of "I wanna dance with somebody" that you left on my voicemail last night.
No really tho I'm wearing a chucky cheese shirt and yoga pants. If that doesn't scream no sex idk what does
Hate you missed the after party, I was covered in dish soap gliding bare assed down a slip n slide at 6:30 this morning
Matt just ate a burger out of the trash can in front of the McDonalds. We need to have a serious talk about his drinking.
Lets now bow our heads and think of girls with ex boyfriends who were great at fingering them. That's so sad.
Sorry I disappeared. Do you hate me?
Not at all, did you not hear me clapping outside your car on our way out?
This guy knew what he was doing. Most guys can't find the spot even if it shot off a flare and played a kazoo.
Did you happen to find the other half of my bra last night?
So I got a text from him saying "jacking off...thinking of you" I think I'm going to get a restraining order
Currently standing at the bus stop in just a pillowcase and its fucking snowing
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