why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
where am i from again
you should probably quit with the whole "no homo" thing, especially when you are drunk, "mo homo"gives the wrong impression.
I love how understanding people are when they hear we first hooked up getting high and watching nature shows
The glockenspiel player has some booze though so hopefully the ride won't be that bad
This kind of poor decision making requires a real cup, not a mason jar.
How did a couple beers and monopoly turn into a bottle of vodka and throwing eggs at eachother in the kitchen?
Hey had an urgent voicemail from the Illinois national guard....have you been using my identity for your blackout weekend?
Yes and yes
This is a great bar, except you can't even randomly burst into song without them assuming you're drunk and cutting you off.
Tried to figure out where I was without opening my eyes this morning for like twenty minutes. Not even close. Not even the right state.
Someone broke in while we were at the bars, window is shattered but nothing got taken
Noone broke in, matt tried to pull a tyrese and punch through the window... were at the hospital.
I lost the right to judge tonight
You should feel special! You're also the only person I've ever punched during sex
So hungover that I might just sit in my car and wait until chipotle opens...in two hours...
I legitimately just had to leave work because I am too hungover. The front office ladies keep making fun of me.
Randomize
