Im starting to realize why people dont masturbate while driving
I'm going to but the new Playboy with Chelsea Handler on the cover. I'm pretty sure it's the only time buying a Playboy will make me gayer...
I just ordered a 3 square foot pizza. This is how to beat an eating disorder.
thats the sluttiest christmas spirit ever.
There was a photo of his face glued to a lifesize Kim Kardashian cutout. By the end of the night he was doing shots out of medicine cups and making everybody hug it goodbye.
don't worry i just saved a song to my personal usb drive to give to the dj at the bar. he's playing old school jlo whether he likes it or not.
i just remember explaining why my socks were better than everyone elses.
im starting to recognize places in this city by where i have drunkenly peed in public
230 lb girl across the train from me is giving a dude in a kilt a handjob while he sits in her lap
I been sleeping but occasionally wake up feeling like tiny elves are in my throat ripping my esophagus to shreds with their bare hands.
Somehow, you made that sound extremely magical and not at all painful.
Def something wrong w taking plan b with your daughters juice box
i told myself when i was 16 i would never fuck an Alan. now i've fucked 3 and i'm punching my 16-year-old self in the face
You kept saying you we're gonna puke and wanted to steal my pants
That does not explain the remnants of a small fire in my bathtub.
He's not very smart so he didn't know I was yelling at him with monologues from Scandal.
I legit just quacked out loud at a duck on campus. Realized after that there were people around me, they looked at me funny...
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