Said he had been eating pineapple for a week before our 1st date. Not sure if thankful for his consideration or offended by his assumption.
I woke up this morning with my hair wrecked, a split lip, and an "H" on my right knee and a "I!" on my other knee.
I have your shoes, your bike, and someones blue underwear. Round 2 tonight?
WHY. COME BACK. TRAPPED WITH ROOMMATE AND FALCON. SAVE ME. I HAVE HUMMUS.
I dunno. It's not as good as 'devourer of cocks' but I suppose few things are.
Exotic beer tasting at my apt right now and by that I mean I bought random beer and I'm drinking it on my balcony
I had an epiphany. If a dude dressed up as Batman to ask me out, I'd prolly marry him.
Monday funday. I brushed my teeth with antibacterial soap. hangover I did not have.
I can't believe i lost my ID... bringing my birth certificate to the club was a weird experience
They took the TVs out of the gym and the mini-Mart only had 2% milk. 2015 wants me to be fat
Halfway through missionary I realized I was partially laying on his sleeping dog and idk that just kinda ruined it for me sooo
premonition: im going to wake up covered in mashed potatoes
That went from 0 to lesbian orgy much faster than expected...
I mean, he’s listed as “Andrew DC Threesome” in my phone. THATS HOW I REMEMBER HIM! How is that not the start of a fairytale?
I'll bring spiced rum
I am not drinking that devil juice
Randomize
