There's a girl n class drinking wine out of a taco bell cup. I can smell it.. it's totally reisling. JEALOUS.
ok, she started talking about how she swears her step dad killed her mom. starting to back out of this one
Drunk walkin through police station. America
I feel like the only phrases I can clearly speak while drunk consist of: i'm fucking drunk, chug, and shots
He fucked me so hard I had an asthma attack. I'm like the sickly poster child for celibacy.
There's jack Daniels coming out of my eyes instead of tears.
I mean technically the bite was both in my nose and on the outside of it. I thought I was going to need stitches or something.
Why was his mouth around your nose anyways?
It was just one of those nights, man.
I'm sitting on the floor singing Bruno mars while they cook and occasionally pet me
Just told my boss I wasn't coming in to work because of a serious case of blue balls. Totally made having them worth it.
HE ASKED IF I HAD SIBLINGS WHEN I ASKED HIM TO LICK MY ASSHOLE
having flashbacks of licking salt of your dick for my shot of tequila
How did they ever let a trainwreck like myself run a bar?!
Why did I wake up naked with a leg cramp and and extra $550 in my wallet?
I gave him a hand job in the parking lot... now he thinks we're meant for each other...
When he identified himself as captain clitoris i knew my night was fucked.
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