I can't tonight. I'm still nursing a beach sex injury. Don't wanna talk about it.
my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
Im watching he's just not that into you, eating way too much pizza, and feeling very single.
It was my first time buying condoms at the liquor store... I was nervous and there were quite a few people, so I tried to do it as quickly and quietly as possible. When I got to the Indian cashier, he took one look at them and said loudly, "Ohhh you gonna get it on tonight, ah?!"
just found preset five on the shower head...pretty sure my pussy just had a panic attack
I told you I was good to drive
dumbass I drove... you sat in the passengers seat and steered with a paper plate
drunk tastebuds have low standards.
Who the hell poured a whole pouch of Capri Sun down my throat last night?
I have already decided that it happened in an alternate universe since both of the people involved don't remember it and we only have the word of a sober person that it happened at all
You know you're sufficiently drunk when the 411 dude just says, "Fuck it! I'll Google that shit for you, what movie do you want to see?" and proceeds to give you showtimes for 3 different theatres.
I think all the stress in my life right now can be directly correlated with never winning a game of Bop It as a child.
I thought it was improvement but then i realized sex isn't an emotion and I hate everyone
yea sometimes its awkward. but when you're a straight bartender at a gay bar and everyone knows it, they all think that they can make me turn gay. its like oh yea dude that extra $20 tip makes me want to suck some dick now
I find him attractive in the absolute weirdest way. Like I need him to do my taxes, but I also feel like I should spill things on him to gain his attention and then lick it off to gain his affection.
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