No one appreciates an amoeba in a balloon hat.
Did your girl go home? Did she have fun? Can we have our friend back?
U know u have sex too much when u have lube in ur rolliball on ur blackberry
my coke dealer is running a Black Friday special
Last time we were that stoned we made a "everything you can fit in the blender" shake. Didn't end well..
I hope it's socially acceptable to wear a mesh one piece into last call tonight?
I woke up to you singing What Makes You Beautiful and trying to blend an avocado with vodka.
I gave you a piece of bread to sober you up. You wiped your face off with it and then gave it back to me.
Wait. You NEVER used a Dizzy Doodler pen as a vibrator?!?
It's funny to me the only time that you clean up is when your weed delivery man is on the way.
I showed him my toy collection and he goes, "You won't need those anymore," and dropped his pants. I threw the House of Pleasure out last night.
We had sex on the playground and then walked around his neighborhood grading houses based on their Christmas decorations
This wine tastes amazing. It's like a fermented hug.
you told me I was being patronizing because I didn't want you to run barefoot across a construction site
I just slammed a bottle of white wine before I came to Whole Foods so basically I'm just training to be a middle aged white woman.
Randomize