You are colorful like whore, yet adorable, like sad puppy. You need more drink.
I'm drinking red wine & feeding anchovies to the dog. I'm really not picky about what kinda of company I'm in.
Just orgasmed in canada. I should get a sticker or something that says I orgasmed in a different country.
I got arrested for "public intoxication". Fuckers threw me out of the bar into public... i mean shit they have thirsty Thursdays. And I get thrown out for self serve Sundays plus a citation.
I asked a lamppost to be my valentine. Also: I'm wearing a sombrero. We need more sombrero in our lives.
WHAT DID YOU SAW VERBATIM. VERBATIM IS SOBER FOR WORD FOR WORD
Im drinking ciroc out of an ice cream cone... my night is going fantastic
crossing my fingers that hitting golf balls off my pourch was a dream and not something that actaculy happened
Watching elf, eating a tub of ice cream, and coming to terms with the fact that I haven't had sex in 5 months. Happy fucking holidays.
I literally got so drunk last night, I texted myself "porpoises" and that was it. I have no recollection of this.
SO EXCITED ABOUT STRING CHEESE RIGHT NOW
It's a good thing vaginas don't have taste buds
Dude, I can't even reach my asshole to wipe it. I have a lot more to be thankful for this Thanksgiving.
I can't help you there
One public bathroom does not equal a wedding vow
burned my penis with a sauteed onion again.
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