I forgot i ate a salad for dinner, so while i was barfing in his toilet, i kept screaming "i ate leaves?? i cant believe you let me eat leaves!"
Some girl just toasted to friendship and love. I want to break her neck.
You rolled out of the car, got on all fours and puked then just nonchalantly stood up and waved goodbye and thanks for the ride.
She insisted on fucking on the futon mattress on the floor, answered the phone call from her boyfriend who was on his way to pick her up, and then had the audacity to ask if I was clean
pretty sure I called you last night to sing Hebrew to you.
I just slow jerked to the titanic theme song, i dont think theres enough alcohol in the state to get me over her tonight
I think I should just accept my destiny that I'm going to be someone's second wife
My tits sealed my fate
Vodka tonic time....wish me luck!
Go for it my man. I'm saving my shit show night for tomorrow. Gonna make it a big one just to let the entire bar know why I'm single
Damn why is there no horse blowjob emoji?
He put oyster crackers in his ramen noodles. Is that a thing? Because holy shit I had never thought of it before and if it's not a thing he's my new stoner hero for discovering it.
ARTHUR IS ON FUCKING NETFLIX THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
What the hell man, you basically stole my girlfriend with a bucket of KFC.
These snow days are takeing a toll on my liver
This morning we had sex while he was wearing a full length fur jacket and sunglasses... I wasn't even phased
My psychiatrist just sent me a dick pic
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