Got bored today and made list of places in apt I want to have sex. One includes opening and coming out the window.
If I die, please delete the word file entitled "Rainy Day"
Was finally able to jerk off without the motion giving me a migraine. Think my hangover's getting better.
Either call me back or tell me you're in jail. For fucks sake. If this is a cop, just help out. national league.
I need to get a life, I am either crying at every glee episode or just wanting to blow rails off photos of us
She gives the worst handjobs, it was like raw meat on a cheese grater
The landlord called, GOOD NEWS! Noise violation #2! Something about people singing and fighting with vodka bottles in the parking lot. Well done us.
I know you're on vacation but you should know I just walk of shamed through a hotel lobby while leaving a threesome on Friday the 13th. Fuck superstition, I win.
He hasn't responded, but he probably just jizzed in his shorts again, so I'll give him time.
I doubt she'll sponsor it. You know alcohol and fireworks don't mix, right?
It's okay. We're not going to soak the fireworks in alcohol. The alcohol is for drinking.
Would you judge me if I made John grow a bush while he is in Cancun so he doesn't cheat on me?
There was a comma in between her and dick. I was calling you a dick. Jesus.
I just sat watching friends in the bathtub by candlelight...nights like this make me wonder if I ever want to be in a relationship again
Life should not be this hard with a dick this big.
Okay, let's just all take a step back and think about how funny this will seem in like a year... Maybe 2 if his nose is actually broken.
Longest 30 seconds of my life
10/10 so not recommended
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