wait.. the condom broke. ehh whatever i think im already 2 months pregnant
and that's why we call him explosion in my pants. no one remembers his real name.
Oh my god. Just had sex with this girl on the boardroom table at my work at midnight (win!) just realized I left the condom wrapper on the table (lose!)
I'm going to appeal my grade. Is it better to look studious or slutty?
He came into the hospital yelling "HEY EVERYBODY! REMEMBER ME?"
I don't know if I want to cry scream puke or go somewhere and drink more. This is such a weird emotion.
no you went to jail because you don't know how to whisper when offering a cop a blow job. I'm sure him having a chick partner didn't help.
I told you, we're just gonna get ripped and light sparklers
Poking every semi-decent guy on Facebook in the hopes that one of them will want to hook up with me tonight. So far all i've accomplished is 5 new poke wars which i will most certainly continue after this weekend.
My stalker sent me an erotic poem. Who knew anyone could find a way to rhyme birth and girth so eloquently?
I guess she fell asleep at the strip club and the other one was crying because she had a vagina in her face. Happy 21st!
Next year, please remind me not to be at a damn Super Bowl party with screaming children whose parents can't control them. I will sell the little suckers to the fucking circus passing through town.
It was like the icing on a beautiful fuck boy cake.
You yelled at me about a fork.
You probably deserved it, I'm very territorial about my cutlery.
I think my dick has healed enough that we can start having sex again
Randomize
