you were crying and the really sympathetic homeless man offered you a sip of his whiskey. who was i to stop you?
please take me off your list of people to text when you don't want to drink by yourself.
I'm watching this guy on intervention hospitalized for liver damage. He's drinking the hand sanitizer in the hospital room. Say hello to your future.
Great parenting moment: noticing your kid is going to puke from gorging fish sticks and sending her outside. Then watching her puke on your dog.
pouring popcorn down my shirt before we went to the bar was the best idea ever. it was delicious and convenient.
I saw you sitting on top of my car trying to row back home... Did you make it?
So is there some kind of punch card you and I get to use every time we fuck a chick with a cast?
Dude. I legit missed class because I got too engrossed in the porn I was watching. Also I need to figure out how to get as flexible as these chicks. Some of the positions they do are outrageous.
Called my ex last night, told her I wanted to bang like we use too, her fiance was in the car, I was on speaker phone. NO MORE TEQUILA!
Did she say Ok?
I threw away my jacket instead of washing it, the jungle juice stained me more of shame than red food coloring... i have never been that white girl wasted before...
Already at the river; already getting fucked up. And yes that semicolon is legit because those are congruent statemests
What if there is no right person? Maybe it's just the right cat. Or the right 12 cats.
One last thing: he lists glow sticks and tacos as things he can't live without. How would we not be friends??
my experiences serve only to benefit you young virgin
Can I come over and use your shower? My roommate got drunk last night and took my bathroom door off its hinges
Randomize
