its like an ocean threw up right in your lap
His pubic hair was longer than his dick
I could literally track my booty calls if I ever got knocked up by my parking tickets
My bra broke.... so I Macguyvered that shit together with floss
We need to stop sleeping with people based on which NFL team they like.
I really can't get over how proud I am of all us getting laid at the same time in the same apartment
True as that may be, are you coming to the birth of my imaginary child or not?
WHYAREWHITEGUYSSOBADINBED?! What the fuck went wrong, evolution?
Nothing like pulling a bottle of vodka out of your purse at 7am in the security line to make your fellow passengers uncomfortable...
The ONE weekend I don't put anything up my nose, and it decides to bleed like crazy
I was kind of torn between "Wow, this is awkward," and "Wow, my therapist is hung."
Sorry man, but I'd rather do drugs with strangers than watch sports with you. It's not personal, drugs always beat sports.
I hooked up with a guy dressed up as morning wood. Needless to say he lived up to his costume.
Let me get this straight. You stopped mid foreplay to shave your legs?
Um yeah. I wasn't about to shave them if nothing was happening. And I have HBO. It's not like he's the victim here.
I'm, like, this 🤏🏼 close to buying crocs
And you're also 🤏🏼 to never putting your dick inside me again
Randomize
