I play with my boobs when I'm bored. I playwith my nipples whe I'm drunk
You told the cops that they couldn't arrest you because they weren't hot enough to fuck
Her husband keeps getting drunk and making out with me. Good news is I found the strep carrier. Bad news is have strep again.
my momz letting me make the christmas card in photoshop
so that means christmas in space?
imma make our dead cats ghosts like obi wan kenobi
He said i looked like a shooting star sprawled out on the floor while i puked and i kept blaming "senor cuervo" for doing me dirty.
I cannot take someone's straight and gay virginity in one threesome. It's just too much responsibility.
please tell me why my pillow is wearing your thong...
...i wondered where i left that...
Ugh I hate you, and the responsible adult life I pretend to have during daylight hours
I was gonna be Romantic and write your name in emoji eggplants but A's are hard
Tim is a child that you physically can't love because he makes it hard for you to even find anything redeeming about him so you debate leaving him forever at the gas station.
The medical term is prolapsed anal walls if you want to look into it with dignity.
Ahh yes. I lost my pants and swimming suit and phone charger. And I've found out who has them all even while hungover. Successful day. Nice party too.
Did you know that chef boy-ar-dee was a real person? I watched a show about him. the history of the ravioli is more scandalous than you would think.
He listens to me complain and in return I send him naked pictures. It's a win win situation
This is not a test of the emergency warning system. He has broken my vagina. I repeat he has broken my vagina. Damn it was good.
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