my goal in life is to wake up with my underwear on
Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
We were making out when she went into convulsions. At least now I know she's allergic to peanuts.
She keeps referring to it as an "us" Either she is seriously mistaken on what fuck buddies are or she learned another meaning of the word "us"
and i'm going to kill you for what you did to my nipples last night. of course i want to hang out
there is a video of me from last night trying to light my breath on fire. that drunk.
Water skiing blazed is the most scary thing I've ever done.
Called my ex last night, told her I wanted to bang like we use too, her fiance was in the car, I was on speaker phone. NO MORE TEQUILA!
Did she say Ok?
I think I'm making a tradition of going to every funeral with at least one sex-related bruise. I don't know how this happened.
And my coffee table looks like something out of Scarface
So when's a good time this week to show up at your apartment in nothing but a trench coat and a bow? Y'know. Hypothetically.
"I feel morally obligated to vote for him since he's my drug dealers dad"
He fucked me on the hood of my car outside his work, and now I'm paranoid that the doggie day care next door might have security cameras.
I have a hunchback of notre dame journal from when I was 6 wherein sits a diary entry that reads "saw liar liar today. Carrey's best yet" and that's all.
The economy cant be that bad, I willingly got fired to bang her again.
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