I woke up at 5am and he was watching me sleep... Come get meee!!??
Chicken burrito, or no deal.
Is that code for my vagina?
Who the fuck has ever referred to a vagina as a chicken burrito
I really wish i had a penis so i could dick slap that bitch right now
oh God, I have a dick of a middle schooler
Worst case scenario: I have VD and will die. That's the worst that could happen. As long as I'm around long enough to see the winner of bachelor pad, I'm cool
They invented the twister shot game. You put a shot on each circle, take it when you land on it, and if you fall, they funnel the mat and make you drink it. New best friends.
I rolled out of the car, crawled on all fours to the door, did somersaults all the way to my room, and then I ran across the parking lot to tell our neighbor you wanted to bang him. I'm not even sure if it was the right guy.
I needed to do something spontaneous, and since no one had coke this was the next best thing.
Was having the best sex dream I've had in a while and only woke up when I heard my grandma fall down the stairs.
Let's hurry up so I can puke at home instead of my van
It's not even 11, i dropped a shot glass, nick is bleeding, and everyone is drunk
I heard from the downstairs bathroom "WHY CAN'T I WIPE MY ASS IN PEACE!" and a pisscrate of glass bottles breaking
He told me he needed "space" but then goes and likes my insta of panacakes.. Done.
he answered his phone during sex and left to go help that drama queen with her latest bullshit. I'm drinking all his vodka. it's asshole tax
it's the international house of making me almost fucking shit myself
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