im guessing your the one that tried to make bacon in the toaster
I just found 3 condoms in my math textbook... in the probability section... Under dependent and independent events...
about to tell this girl that sh'es my teenage dream. you have 15.358s to stop me.
Plus my stomach has been speaking through my ass all day sending notes saying "fuck you" and "this is from your liver" or "i will kill you."
OK am i seriously the only one who thinks Cocaine Tuesdays is a bad idea?
I stole something. Which direction out are you guys gonna go
Attempting to sleep without a bra since i got my nips pierced wish me luck. Also almost sent that to my coworker.
So I had sex in a bulldozer lastnight now that's definitely a first...
Any chance I can buy my dignity back with $45?
No apologies necessary. Just give me sex and Pop Tarts, and we'll call it even.
I'm still getting random messages from guys about my Halloween outfit. Electrical tape is coming back next year
You were wearing a cookie monster onesie and telling everyone you were actually the sausage monster..
On the bright side I still got laid
Also, I have your check. Also, still wanna drop acid?
I am now "wine pairing" tums flavors with my strongbow, because apparently hard cider gives me heartburn.
Found a pic on my phone from last night. You're drunk. Arm wrestling some guy. In the bar bathroom. At a baby changing station. It's my new wallpaper.
Randomize
