Did you hallucinate the same white buffalo that I did last night.
No, but I did see you shaking hands with a homeless man.
By the end of the second bowl I was making sound effects to every hand movement he made.
Trying not to fart in the comp lab is going to take everything i've got.
I fucked her on my hockey bag. it doesnt get any more Canadian than that.
Hahaha alright after 5 shots I'm not allowed to touch glass or boys with girlfriends.
FACT: the parking lot attendant was yelling "NO SEX HERE! NO SEX" at yall.
Nothing like running into your favorite bartender in the middle of the afternoon while stone cold sober and being told your grabbed his penis the last time you were at his bar. My bad.
Pretty sure the purpose of joining wine clubs isn't to drink the 2 bottles they send you each month IN THE SAME NIGHT.
Nothing says "future AA member" like bonging 40's out of a plastic flamingo.
Hah I guess I sent that to like ten people, along with another one of me sitting in a bath tub eating an ice cream sandwich.
I just found a voice recording from Tanya's bachelorette party when we found you drunk in downtown being harassed by a crazy dude dressed like a clown and we rescued you. Attached is a voice recording of me interviewing you after we found you. I titled it Carlos Batman.
I slept naked with a towel wrapped around my waist in case I pissed the bed again
I told some guy on tinder, that apparently has a prosthetic leg, that I think we started off on the wrong foot. I hate myself...
I just put on my bra while peeing. I fear this will be my big achievement of the day.
I told her I wanted to go swimming and she responded with jello shots, taking off her clothes, and jumping into the pool...I think I'm in love
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