i kept drunkenly begging people i met to be in my facebook mafia
yeah my mom told me she knows when i come home high because i use my turn signal while turning into the driveway...
She tased me when I walked in the door. Thought I was trying to steel her weed.
How external is "for external use only"?
I flashed a party boat full of Asians yesterday, didn't I?
Yeah... I still gave her a hug because I felt really bad though. I mentioned that my boyfriends grandma just died too, just to reinforce that I'm straight afterwards.
I'm pretty sure my liver died in Reno and my intestines are doing hula hoops around my asshole. The bachelor party was that good.
We called dibs on each other's genitals. That bond is unbreakable.
Oh yeah, found out i got it from my boyfriend's wife. Thanks though.
I think I'm destined to be the stoner version of one of those successful but emotionally unavailable characters Sandra Bullock always plays in movies
what better to celebrate not being pregnant than to eat a bowl full of rum soaked pineapples?
you ever just feel like an organ is failing?
THEN YOU WILL NOT GET TO SEE MY TITS TONIGHT OR IN THE NEAR FUTURE YOU HEARTLESS BASTARD
At this point in job hunting, I'm willing to become a leather daddy if it means some sort of income.
Dude I love you. So much. Thank u. I'm safea. In allysi lns car. Mine towed. If u loved me ud leand me 500 in the morning. Sleep on it nd let me know.
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