Omg. I just woke up in a room full of naked people
She just sent me a txt where every word ended in "zzz", with about a hundred "!!!" and called herself "juicezzz". I need back up.
it was like the sexual equivalent of when Wilson fell off the raft and floated away
Why does every girl think its ok to cheat on their boyfriends with me?
Vaginas are confusing as hell with all their secret compartments and shit.
I'll get my vaginal cartography poster.
I'm sober enough to realize she looks like a man, but drunk enough to do it anyways
Just put a sign on a baby carriage that says "all daddy wanted was a blowjob" might get fired.
I just want to do a slip-and-slide into a giant pool of jello shots right now.
I've never seen a homeless man jog to get off the bus and then run to his panhandling spot because he's "late for work," but you see something new every day.
You told me to remind you that the bruise on your ass is from when you danced on the table at Ziggy's, saw a cop and tried to 'fly away'.
I woke up with a hangover and a man bun. Reached over to drink water and accidentally chugged raspberry vodka. So there's that.
My hangover headache is somewhere in the Harry Potter scar neighborhood. I can now empathize with that poor bastard.
Has anyone heard from Jamie or has she actually just been having sex for 48 hours?
All I can taste is Pickle Juice and Cocaine.
So I have a horrible yeast infection right now and I learned that Scott is cheating on me and now he has a yeast infection in his mouth and in his stomach a pretty aggressive one too. I believe the doctors call it thrush. Text me in the morning tell me what you think.
Randomize
