rough night. sneezed a watermelon seed this morning and apparently I drunk dialed my boss for a ride home. twice.
Why can't I find a man that likes bush instead of a vagina that looks like it belongs to a prepubescent child!
Because men are children
Touche
I take no responsibility of who alcohol hooks up with using my body!
I bought a bottle of 100 proof for the storm. I am going to drink until I pass out. I'm taking bets. 1:30 pm is the over/under.
I just got off a plane from Mexico. At least 15 passengers dashed to the bathroom throughout the flight. Can you tell its spring break?
I came home to the cats covered in paint and he was asleep in the tub with a firefighters hat on.
Upperdeckered the toilet. Took sombrero off, drawing too much heat. Witnessed glassing. In bush, come findme.
Suuuuuuper drunk and just sang fuck her gently to the chiminea. I'm in bad shape.
I was talking to a guy at my work, and mid-sentence he started vomiting violently for about five minutes, then he said, " great dope" and carried on like nothing had happened.
Well, I'm at the grocery store wondering whether I exist or not.
Before we have sex for the first time I would like "eye of the tiger" to be playing to mentally prepare me for what I'm about to endure.
Adulthood is weird i just cleared a check larger than my gross income from 2011 but i also just did coke during my lunch break
I can't get the smell of burned penis out of the house
I THINK HE DOES. OMG!!!!! OMG I FUCKED A GUY W A FAKE LEG AND I DIDN'T EVEN KNOW!!!!!!????!!!!!!!!!
I don't want them thinking I'm like, "Mm, yeah, kitchenware in my ass please."
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