I just looked at my iPhone gps history... "the gas station", "the park with a big scary fence", "the trampoline", and, my favorite, "where we were when we were about to do lines off a bible".
My financial aid advisors would be so pissed if they knew I was spending my loan money on strippers
In hindsight, trust falling your grandma was a bad idea. Sorry about that.
Update: still drunk enough to get lost in Zellers and to think my reflection was my mother. Awesome day.
I'm gonna tie him up and fart in that pathetic excuse for a mustache
So, I'm tripsitting Ruben cause he's on LSD, and he's starting to eat the chair because 'it is evil' according to him... I can't choose: should I stop him or film it?
this old dude from the bar is giving me a ride home in a van, his bumper sticker says " don't laugh your kids could be in here" scary world ou here
It probably would have happened but I just can't picture myself losing my virginity while laying on top of his Quiksilver duvet set.
Come home, I'm drunk on the porch and pretending to smoke breadsticks like cigarettes. Enticing, right?
Oh shit that's not good dude. I'd head straight for Williamsport hospital the first ingredient in that shit is lithium batteries. You don't want to know what the second one is
Last night a drunk chick tried to lick me. If you are trying to lick the zombies, you are too drunk for the haunted house.
Imagine how different my life would be if I could find a man who gave me more pleasure than pizza at 2am when I'm drunk.
Ya know what's the worst? Being drunk and wanting to show someone a picture of your goddaughter but not wanting to open the pictures on your phone because the first one is of someone's dick..
I swear to God if you start calling your dick “my pegasus” we’re not friends anymore
Angels sing when his face is between my thighs. I came 3 times before he even came up for air.
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