tfor prom could you pick me up wo bottles of champagne and a condom, please?
I'm at subway, this 8 year old kid is judging my fashion sense with his dad. I want to kill myself.
It's ok, he's just 8, he's not judging you.
He just asked why I'm sitting alone. I honestly want to cry.
Someone carved 'Hank' in all caps in the snow outside my apartment building so naturally I turned the capital H into a K and added an S to the front.
I think college has really matured you.
So at what point do I tell her that I like fucking these hot southern girls more than I like my relationship with her?
it's ok. you also told me I can feel free to vomit on your blow dryer sometime.
I came home to my brother stoned out of his mind. He got a high score on COD and asked me to have a celebration yogurt with him.
I broke his nose at the bar and he still went home with me.
I heard him say "bet you won't", look over 10 seconds later and she's blowing him.....looked eloquent under the glow of a camp fire.
i looked down and was like "oh shit thats blood" then it was like "shit, thats not my blood." then it was like whos blood is this??
Look,the guy had sex w/a Canadian prison guard on the deck of a cruise ship,he could blow any second.
My life is literally "I'm too horny you can't leave" or "let's have pie" there's like no inbetween
He bedazzled a shirt for me that said "best head giver" should I be thankful for the gift or concerned that he has a bedazzler?
I just realized I'm having shark week, during shark week.
So help me God.... if he sends me a dick pic.... I will make it so he has to eat food through a tube in his nose and poop into a bag by his belly button
i think she learned that just cuz half shots were easier, doesnt mean she can have triple as many.
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