I chose taco bell over sex...
good choice.
As I was going down on her I noticed she had a tatoo on her inner thigh that said "Eat it like your birthday cake".
My #1 goal this summer is to get drunk at olive garden
The online application for Mcdonald's said I could do incredible things there. Today I threw out shit filled underwear in the women's restroom and escorted a very drunk/high 42 year old man outside after he ordered a 5 dollar foot long and a bloody mary.
I can't believe you just thanked me for a blowjob on my Facebook wall...
There is a pink thong attached to a bottle of svedka hanging from my ceiling fan..is this yours?
I threw up in my closet when I was hammered last night. Like a fucking toddler. I can't play with the grow ups.
So they just told me that while I was being loaded into the ambulance the cop told them if they were good friends they'd post it on Facebook...
The subtweets were good enough
I feel like she is getting all kinds of bacterial exposure that may otherwise have been avoided had she been wearing pants
I didn't pop out of a cake in a speedo with diagrams
In case that's what u were picturing
Should I be scared that after we hooked up she took antibiotics with Sailor Jerry's?!
You called me into the kitchen so you could show me that you were peeing in the kitchen sink and then told me to leave bc you couldn't do it with me watching
In going to go underground and live with the mole people for a while.
Well I just saw a fully naked man doing a headstand in a cooler of ice water.
I have unfollowed so many people the only things showing up in my newsfeed are dog rescues and sloth memes
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