but i am gonna have to have sex w/ him again to get my earrings back
i don't want you to think of me as your TA
Mother nature decided I wasn't going to be a whore today. Fuck her.
maybe next time you shouldn't be drinking alone watching intervention at 3 am and no one would think you needed an intervention.
I found a digiorno pizza in my washing machine.
Using the salt from a pretzel bag for tequila shots. Come over.
And my cat won't make me food. She's a bitch
You should fuck with them and beat off in the cup and then walk out an be like, "This was a sperm donation right?"
I have grass duct taped all over my body
I feel like I deserve an award for facing my fear of penises in my face.
Lol I'm just saying its too early for your penis, I can accept it but at a more decent hour
Well, he pretended he was climbing me like he was a monkey and I was a tree during sex.
I am watching the most amazing drunk person ever. Literally such a trooper that you can put anything in front of him he'll drink it. His latest reason for taking another shot was: well whatever. I'm never gonna get married anyway.
Can I borrow your pants?
WTH?
Just come to the men’s room and help me. The blonde bartender figured out I’m married. Rachel will definitely notice if come home pantsless
He told his wife he was too old to pretend to be straight. She tried to argue. He walked two tables over and was like this is my highschool sweetheart and he's an excellent fuck, we're running away together. It was epic.
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