you made me watch la bamba, and then you yelled at me for disrespecting your mexican heritage.
May God have mercy on my new vibrator.
i slept with her, drove her to her sisters house to babysit, and then drove around the block where i met her sister and had sex with her in my van. I'm family Friendly!
We've made a drinking game out of how many times the tornado sirens go off. We're good at tornado safety.
The doctor said 'youre the 2nd youngest person that ive seen with this condition. Thats probably not the silver medal you were looking for today.'
there's no food at this bar, but i'm pretty sure vodka is made of wheat so i'm basically drinking bread.
so i had a dream that andrew cuomo ate me out. guess who i'm voting for?
Our drug dealer just got busted, wear black tmrw
It looks like a tornado ripped through our living room and scattered clothes everywhere.
Count the bras. It was a category 3 whorenado ... I convinced the lesbians to come back to the apartment for a bottle of wine.
So the bump is from hitting my head in an elevator. Apparently I dived into a cab head first too.....
Sexting Captain while emailing my eharmony match about my low key weekend is hard.
I was full on naked standing in his room and I just said "this isn't me" and left.
Would it be wrong to text my ex and say "congratulations on the new baby that you had with a stripper"?
I don't think I'm ever gonna need a boyfriend again. I have a body pillow, a vibrator, and I'm strong enough to open my own jars.
There’s nothing that says motivation more than watching these little geniuses on Kids Baking Championship New Year’s Day. I’m ready to fuck shit up this year.
Randomize
