he was wearing sponge bob boxers. Guess how long he lasted.
He made me stop in the middle of giving him a blowjob so he could go get his glasses. because he "wanted to see". I need to stop dating nerds.
I had a dream last night that you and me were eating cheesecake and according to my FATHER I was moaning really loud in my sleep. I seriously have issues.
You had a towel around you and you called it your shot bib.
it's not like i was drunk to the point of NEEDING help...i just wanted someone to offer to hold my hair or something.
There's a really old guy here with a really young girl. I'm guessing he has to make choo choo train noises to get his dick in her mouth.
I cant tell which is worse. That its only my third time doing laundry this year or that its the first time ive done it sober.
I wish! That ended in 2001 when we all got collectively band from the Settle Inn. As a group we are also band from social events at the zoo. It's impressive really.
After the 3rd shot, she was running around singing, "Twinkle Twinkle Big Ol' Dick, on your happy place I'll sit" to your brother.
Put that bitch's torch out. She's been voted off.
I spent most of the night trying to drink out of three bottles of beer at once. I don't have to be told the reasons I'm single
Does buying my brother condoms for Christmas say "keep having sex with her, I like her" or "dear god, do not get this girl pregnant"?
so getting blacked out last night has made my lips so beautifully red for pictures today... and they say nothing good comes from alcohol
Remember that time we turned a can of Axe body spray into a flame thrower?
Only you could go on vacation to visit family and hook up with a pro NFL player from Tinder
I am playing in the snow in my bunny outfit. GET OVER HERE
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