I pretty much can't stop smiling when I talk to you. Even when you talk about disease and infectious diarrhea.
I woke up to a topless girl handing me a blunt. Candidate for greatest wake-up ever?
I get a nice feeling when i open my fridge and see it filled with thirty beers and half a leftover jimmy johns pickle.
her body is proportioned like a family guy character
I mean, how many people can say they helped surgically remove something from their body? Other than the guy that got his hand stuck under a rock and cut it off. Doesn't count
Hey, I got 20% of the people home that I was responsible for. I can't be expected to do much more.
Who knew that "When in doubt, pelvic thrust" would end up being the best motto ever? In other news, I think I may have joined roller derby.
People around me are just doing lines of cocaine. Like its no big deal. And I'm just here like.... Y'all want some cheezits?
I have got to stop taking so many uppers and downers simultaneously. My life is a Dali painting.
Just bc you put "its cute" at the end of it doesn't change the fact that u have called me a vag twice this morning and its only 10:03
Well I woke up at my house so that's a plus. But I'm pretty sure I peed on my sofa because I woke up in the pee position.
I'll just give him your contact info, and you'll somehow manage to get laid. Which will make me feel like your vagina's agent or something.
I just group texted a dick pic. Wonder who'll respond back first. Ashley Stacey or my stepmom
Straight up just cock blocked my dad. Also this apple sauce is good.
Just bedazzled a flask, while drinking out of it. Hot glue is EVERYWHERE.
Randomize
