I was so drunk I accidentally put in two tampons.
I tried to talk you out of it. You were worried about alcohol being a blood thinner.
I changed the background on my phone to a picture of you so whenever I go to look at porn or text another girl I'll have second thoughts
Am I supposed to find that romantic?
Should I mail that cop his nightstick or just throw it away?
So roofie roulette was a success but I'm a little worried that the 2 who got the tainted beer still haven't contacted anyone...
It is too early in this hangover to be seeing some guys ass crack.
I just want brownies and waffles and someone to lick my tits
Dude. You stood in a corner laughing your ass off while folding clothes, facing the wall. Yes, they were weed brownies..
Let the record show that the first hour of my twenty-first was spent shooting tequila ans discussing the emotional integrity of werewolves.
I'm cutting her off I can't have my good name soiled with these kinds of shenanigans
Shit is preposterous
When he swipes my v card it will be comparable to my bat mitzvah. should I make sweatshirts or sweatpants?
I'm suffering a hangover from deep within. I feel like the half of the parts of my body are permanently laced with alcoholic substances
Sorry your girlfriend got you a valentines present and you forgot to get her one.
How long will your dick be dry?
I have a hunchback of notre dame journal from when I was 6 wherein sits a diary entry that reads "saw liar liar today. Carrey's best yet" and that's all.
Once someone takes a shit in your toilet they are no longer a guest.
He may have been a dick but he DID give me his Netflix log in. Maybe some good did come of it.
Randomize
