I just threw up in my hands while sitting on the toilet
sometimes i wish i was a boob, they get to chill in soft and cuddly little cup things.
It was worse than that time I did shots of BBQ sauce and pierced my own ear with a thumbtack
A man that refers to my vagina in third person is a man after my own heart.
If you're wearing dry underwear your day is already better than mine.
She just made out with a golden retriever. I'm disgusted and turned on all at once
TGIFridays...stall number 1...drunk...send help
How long have I been using my debit card as a coaster?
After we had breakup sex it took him longer to say goodbye to my boobs than it did to me...
Why I hate online dating: not even one day in and a 57 year old asks me to call him "Daddy."
He wants to buy us a microwave. Clearly the man is going to fix my life.
You grabbed my shirt and said, "hope you're not attached" and ripped it off before I could answer you.
I'm eating chocolate cake while this guy snaps me from the gym. Like I cant believe i actually considered getting rid of this cake. Have fun sweating ima eat this cake 👌
I was trying to come up with a reason why you shouldn't be naked in front of me, and now I have 'If you give a mouse a cookie" stuck in my head
If he's dating my cousin now, do I have to erase the pictures of his dick off my phone? Ugh, morals.
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