I have a pretty basic diameter of my vaginal abyss. I'm sure it won't hurt.
im six kinds of drunk right now
wanna go with us to feed the ducks bread soaked in vodka?
how could i say no?
I passed out in the stadium during the 4th quarter and you guys just left me there?
Yea, but we put money for a cab in your pocket.
Btw sorry for throwing that bag of ice at your face lastnight....
My goal tonight is to get arrested because what cop can say they have ever arrested a giant sperm before. God I love halloween
Let's be honest, your relationships fail because the man you're looking for is the equivalent of an intellectual blow-up doll.
My makeup looks extraordinary for nine tequila shots, running four blocks, falling asleep with my face in the toilet, and doing the walk of shame across campus in the rain. And to think I'm single.
It's been this way for a few days. I had chick fil a on Friday so this could be an attack from the Gay Gods as punishment.
Whenever I'm hungover I try to stay in public as much as possible, hoping to be a cautionary tale to children. It's a public service, really.
We found him flat on his back, sobbing, 'fuck you stars' at the sky. No more everclear for Derek.
He showed me his scar from his appendix surgery. It was educational and fun....
I'm glad you found someone that both loves you and is cool doing coke off your tits. Proud of you.
Hammered...8am...why is there chickens in the living room?
Just when I thought we may have our first low-key night together, I sang an Aladdin karaoke song to a bunch of roller derby girls, you took shots with married women, and we both fell asleep in our offices.
Randomize
