Let's hear it for middle of the street handjobs ladies and gentlemen
we got so high we spray painted his girlfriend's UGG boots. she's CRYING. it's hysterical.
My one night stand found me at the library and randomly gave me plan B. He was scared I was going to get pregnant because he has a very high sperm count.
I just found out my mom named me after her fake ID from college...
woke up with the bag of wine duct taped to my shoulder.
Breakfast tacos?
YOU ARE A FOUNTAIN OF GREAT IDEAS
You convinced her to break up with her boyfriend, made out with her all night, got her to buy us all shots then went home with a different girl...
That explains the "i hate you" text. But the facebook deletion is a bit harsh
I been sleeping but occasionally wake up feeling like tiny elves are in my throat ripping my esophagus to shreds with their bare hands.
Somehow, you made that sound extremely magical and not at all painful.
Just getting in the shower.... found a "great job" sticker stuck to my boob.
So how was your night?
You sent me snap chats of you guys having sex. Like plural. It was like flip book porn, I'm traumatized.
He's writing a strongly worded email to Trojan right now
I TOLD YOU THE BARESKIN CONDOMS WEREN'T AS RELIABLE.
If you want it you better put a ring on it. And by ring I mean one of my three favorite pies.
How the fuck did he think me asking about the possibility of a threesome was a rhetorical question?
Why is the floor coated in a 2 inch blanket of popcorn??
Dad hid the hash somewhere in my room and wont tell me where it is until i clean it. My room is spotless. The hash was on the ceiling fan...
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