Oh my god he is having a sentimental moment right now.
He just sent me like a really heartfelt confession of love in which he ended with "make the apt, I'll hold your hand while you get your clit pierced."
You know how I know it's Spring Break? I just passed a car with "South Padre bound" shoe polished on the back. The driver was blatantly drinking a roadie and getting road head.
i think he drugged the pie. i'll get back to you on that later.
So he told me he wanted to fertilize my caviar. Im avoiding all foreign exchange students from now on.
He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but...
Actually, she's fat now, so...
Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson.
Is it ironic that the girl with the horse face is also on the equestrian team?
No clues in my phone. Only dialed call: my own social security number. And that was before 10:00pm.
being pregnant is like rehab
how are things with the new girl?
good, we have nothing in common but she likes being choked
"Friendship bread", "how to get period stains out of cement", and "elephant bereavement" are all in my recent google history. Whatever shit that was last night really did me in...
Just got my stitches out.. Now I can give a proper hand job
So somehow today's lecture on the immune system turned into me having to stand up and explain female ejaculation to the class.
Oh by "being festive" I mean make tacos for dinner.
Eating an avocado like an apple while doing shots of fireball and watching finding nemo. I need to get my shit together.
He's my favorite late night booty call. He lives next to a Wendy's.
Randomize
