Great date with Damon, but I'm not sure if telling him I like lesbian porn is a good second date discussion.
she was pretty much dry humping my leg when her boyfriend walked in. he says "you should probably leave." all i could come up with was "YEAH, I KNOW!"
My life would be so much easier if i could just ride around in the cash cab all day
He literally had no idea who I was, so he made me turn around 360 degrees and when he saw my ass, he blurted out my first AND last name.
I wish there was some sort of "recently added" function for blackberrys so i could see what random numbers i got from the night before
She told me she's going to buy a projector so she can watch porn on her ceiling...I'm telling you man this chick is going places
My wedding band has saved me from at least four cases of herpes tonight.
HE'S turngign 18teen real soon.k
sorry for the naked aussie man in your room last night, he got lost on his way to the bathroom
There's gotta be a lawn gnome full ecstasy around here somewhere. And by golly I will find it
If if makes you feel any better, you're definitely the hottest guy I've ever friendzoned.
I had a glass of wine for breakfast. It's gonna be a rough week.
How hot? Like... how many hemsworths?
Shit. My boss is having me meet and greet with the new doc upstairs. Do you think his doctor powers will detect that I'm still high?
Getting knocked up by someone with a good job and a big dick, okay. I can handle that. Getting knocked up by someone who sells dildos for a living and has a tiny dick, SOMEBODY is losing a pair of balls.
Randomize
