Its like Laser Tag, but more fun because it ends in sex
Pretty sure I went to the bar in my bathing suit, sweat pants, and high heels.
I am the master of subtle flirting. I seduced him by simulating a hand job with an epi-pen during training.
Or they can chase TEQUILA shots with it. I don't know why my phone capitalizes TEQUILA.
I had to carry you down because your legs weren't moving anymore but you were carrying the weights you stole from that guys room... and that's where the bruises came from.
Some old truck driver just made me smell his beard I hope tonight turns out better
Call me something sexy & ethnic. Like jasmine. But mystical too. Like Mermaid Jasmine. And throw Glitter somewhere in there too.
Drunkness level: fluent in olde norse
Holy shit I've found my last one night stand in my Gran's knitting club
I'm sure nobody at Walmart was wondering why I was wearing a glittery tutu and needed $300 changed into small bills
So here's a tip: don't give a blowjob the same morning you're going to the dentist. Cuz they will think you have "mouth trauma."
He's getting so into these sexts, I hate to tell him I'm fully clothes, watching Bring It On and eating chips and salsa.
Can you please stop fucking every bartender in the city? Just once I want to have a Jack and Coke without fielding questions about your availability.
What's a nice way of saying 'I wish I hadn't fucked you.'
Nothing like ripping open the box with your keys on a sat R train and throwing back the morning after pill with some coconut water on my way to work at a fitness studio for free
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