it was like she was tryin to eat my face and i was defending myself with my mouth
my dad brought home flowers.. so i started talking to them
He just bought a 100-pack of condoms of Amazon. My vagina is already tired.
He told me to pretend to be a shark, and he would slay me with his harpoon cock.
I left a cheeto on everyone's car trailing to the house i'm at, hanzel and gretel style.
I feel like vodka or no vodka, you'd still be trying to button your cat into your comforter
I told my mom about how you got white girl wasted and sobbed about Whitney Houston. She sends her condolences.
tell her thanks so much
Drunk at work, covered in Cheetos is no way to go through life.
I found Cheetos.
Thought I was doing makeup today for a photo shoot for a short film. WRONG. Try I'm on the set for a Fucking Sci-Fi PORN.
you kept saying how you wanted to mainline bacardi right into your bloodstream. medical school is doing wonderful things to your brain
I'm sure there are thousands getting dick today in the name of independence
Just woke up to find that I'd left a stove burner on for the past 6 hours or so. I'm now banned from Ambien cooking.
That's how pantless uber rides happen
Everything is a learning experience. Last night we learned why I'm not allowed to bring guys home from the bar....
You know what would have been funny if we got arrested last night? The inventory search of the lock box:\n\nContents:\n1 work ID\n1 33 round Glock magazine\n1 set of keys\n1 vibrator\n2 bags fruit snacks\n1 parking hang tag
Randomize
