all i remember is you climbed in a garbage can and said you were trashed
she's not going to take you seriously with an empty 40 and a sombrero on your head.
Spending my graduation money on an abortion. Welcome to the real world.
be ready to rage tomorrow. like naked ranch dressing rage
With me living this close to Mexico now, Tequila is just a geographical choice at this point if nothing else.
It's like you're the one guy who got the "girls have clits" memo.
I don't know what I'm more pleased with, the blowie last night or that fact that there's still 20 dollars in my wallet
I mean it's like...I'm sorry I slept with your boyfriend but is it my fault that he failed to mention you when I was giving him head in the Dave and Busters bathroom?
There is so much wrong with that sentence
Yeah there really shouldn't be a bar at D&B's...shit gets real
One of my life goals was never to see an uncircumcised dick. I guess that's out the window now.
Soooooo I may or may not have accidentally been a catalyst in a destroyed marriage.
In other news, I just sneezed and almost shit myself. What is happening to my life??
One of the finest moments in my life was when I was puking in between my legs as I was shitting, and thought to myself "hmm this shall be called shomiting."
I woke up only wearing a Breaking Bad "Los Pollos Hermanos" apron he got from Loot Crate next to a 3 empty bottles of Zima,Jolly Ranchers, and a jar of coconut oil. Fernet is one hell of a party starter
Remember when you brought a guy home from the bar... to our parents house.... on thanksgiving eve?
What the fuck dude? Now it's a "who is this?" convo going back and forth. Like... helllloooo you just sent me a picture of your penis! I'm entitled to ask who the fuck it is. I can't verify an identity by a body part.
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