I don't usually arrange sex via text message
Stuck behind a lady in her 70's purchasing a plastic handle of vodka and nothing else. She is writing a check. Hello future.
I have absolutely nothing sober to say to you.
Hey. Hey you. Just wanted to let you know that I'm adorable. FUCKING ADORABLE. That is all. This update brought to you by our proud sponsor bud light.
From the guy that lifted you into a fan I'm sorry
We have an unspoken agreement. He helps me move and I give him a blow job. It's really unfair to him considering he doesn't know how much shit I have.
somehow he and i always have our deepest conversations after phone sex.
You understand the drunkenness of my drunkenness
Lol I screamed "GOT AN ORDER OF VERSACE TACOS UP" and the whole kitchen was just like who the fuck is this kid
I just had a twenty minute discussion about endangered breed dog breeding with an Extremely drunk guy
So many questions...
Well puke fest 2014 just happened
You tried crawling through the apartment window instead of going through the wide open door next to it
I should get an "I gave blood today" type of sticker, but instead it would say "I went balls deep today"
UPS just delivered me 30lbs of dried cherries... I shouldn't be allowed online when I take painkillers.
You were wearing a sequin mini, with Tevas. And you still got laid.
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