Raise your hand if you bought 2 annoying girls shots of water. CLOWNS.
My New Years Resolution was to get a girl I dont know pregnant. 8 months later I can check that off the list..
well you haven't lived until you've been 86'ed from a family restaraunt
Today's dinner table topic: the probablity of my dad turning gay if he ever left my mom.
My sister came home, pulled two nalgene bottles of jaeger-bomb out of the fridge, changed out her 3 inch heels for 6 inch heels and left in under 3 minutes. I've never been more proud of her.
I think ill wear my dads dashiki but make it sluttier. We shall see
Unless you've also woken up wearing a poncho and a ring pop, I suggest you don't judge me. Okay, I even judged myself for that.
On the verge of sleeping with a man who can take me to an early bird dinner and a movie with his AARP discount. YOLO
Is it too early to start pregaming for St. Patty's?
I'm on the bus, watching a girl shush her balloons.
Had a crazy moment last night. Had to get up, run to bathroom, pop 3 Xanax, sit on bathroom floor and rock myself in fetal position. Not my best moment.
Lets get coked out and steal a parrot this summer
You said you liked how I put the cream cheese on.
Hey, you can never be fully sure you're straight until you jerk off to gay porn
He just showed up in boxer briefs and loafers with only his phone and condoms
Randomize
