This unplanned pregnancy thing is really taking all the fun out of football season.
so why was i the only one who woke up with ham stuck to my ass?
We have an unspoken agreement. He helps me move and I give him a blow job. It's really unfair to him considering he doesn't know how much shit I have.
i get drunk faster, i spend less money on food, and i'm losing a shit ton of weight. depression and its pills are doing wonders for me
I just puked behind a tree outside work, then walked past my manager with puke in my hair. Man, I'm gonna miss this when I get a real job.
There should be a company that sends nadgrams. They're like candy grams except the recipient gets kicked in the balls.
And know that if I ever text "road head?" that it comes from a place of caring and not a place of heartlessness..
It could be worse. I was dumped by a guy in a kilt after he gave my shoes away on St. Patrick's Day.
Update - might be back in your neighbor's good graces. She liked the framed photo I gave her of me on the tractor with my business out.
Turns out he's not a Doctor Who fan, I mumbled Alons-y as I went down on him. He asked who Alan was. No more drunk sex for me!
Would it be weird to bake him a cake that says "sorry I peed on your bed"?
I puked on her cat, I think I should at least buy her breakfast
my favorite part of this morning was sitting at the gynecologist smelling like cigarettes and wearing yesterday's clothes.
The reason why I poison my organs is so that you guys can't sell them.
What's a sexy way to say balls deep???
Randomize
