I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
And i laid in the yard with carrots on my chest cause i wanted a bunny
I am trying to think of a way to make alcohol cupcakes
I never thought I'd say this, but there is a life threatening amount of rumpleminz in our freezer
The moment that kid turns 18, I will have his sperm for all three meals.
Oh God. You're going to jail
You'd think if the campus holds 28,000 undergrad I wouldn't run into three people I've hooked up with in one day
why does he always try to puke into shot glasses
Note to self: last nights makeup does NOT, under ANY circumstances, look good today.
My sharpie cut off line was invaded last night. Where's my turtleneck?
Going to put that on my resume. "Only accidentally snapchatted my titties to all of my friends once."
I still don't know his name but his ass is spectacular. Like he should never wear pants.
I think I accidentally invented a religion.
I walked in on him fucking her whilst she ate skittles. I saw things no one should see, but I did get your bra back. You owe me.
Bitch how dare you drink my dos equis
i just woke up from a 4 hour nap, still drunk, to make mac n cheese.
Randomize
