The girl here has a popped collar. Can I slap her?
Yes. For all mankind please do.
At least you weren't that one girl in the bar that was letting everyone draw on her in sharpie. Worst decision I've ever witnessed.
He introduced me to his parents as the girl he made out with on Thursday night...
you can officially check off peeing off the 5th floor while shouting "I want to break the guinness world record for longest piss stream" off your college to do list.
the paramedics asked what clubs id be in next weekend so they can plan ahead.
I just woke up eating some beef jerky with my cat. I think she opened the bag for us.
I think I just wrote a poem about your penis but it was totally unintentional.
He told me I was 100% better then porn then passed out nto the cake
We can't BOTH have terrible sex lives. Get fucked or throw him out.
New guy at work just gave me a Percocet for my headache. Officially best friends
it is shots o' clock and I am never late
Remember the thing I sent you? "Often complex problems are best solved by thinking like an animal." Hump away!
Couldn't finish, so she gave me "the tap," and I had to leave the mound early. Nothing worse than the long walk back after the manager comes out and asks for the ball.
It's a good thing he's hot, because it seemed like he was trying to do CPR on my private parts
I'm gonna try and get through this weekend sober, which is gonna be tough especially since I've already started drinking.
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