I vomitted in the hotel where they film gossip girl last night. Everywhere.
you had "tips for anal sex" in your google search history this morning. how was your sunday night?
I am dressing up to go buy weed. I need to get out more.
James and whatshisface bought me drunks. I am drinks.
He's spent his last 3 years working at Urban Outfitters. No, I'm not sad I missed out on a life of mustaches, the dollar menu and shitty scarves.
what part of what i said meant "bring a bowl"
"bouncy castle"
Dude, this guy showed up with a 40 and stayed for two days. I want that lack of responsibility
the amount of chicks and firearms here is unnerving. this will end awesomely or at the morgue.
he may or may not have motorboated me on the steps of the library of congress
Look, if I'm too lazy to put any effort into sexting, you better believe I'm too lazy to put any effort into dating.
You know it's time to do the dishes when you take shots of water out of a sake glass...
And you wonder why you're always one of the guys?
You are the epitome of what awesome would taste like.
He left me alone in a hotel room my last night in town to go home to jerk off and watch TV. So yeah, I guess we're not really friends.
So, I've discovered that I'm approximately 70% nicer to my mother when I've had an orgasm in the last 48 hours. It's science.
i just sneezed the second i jizzed and it got in my eye. words can't describe how much i hate life right now.
Randomize