i cant believe jose lima did steroids
apparently the kind that make you shitty at baseball
I sware she could use her own nose as a dildo.
For future reference, when you see people who look like Rosie O'donell, do not tell them they look like Rosie O'donell.
i remember you telling me to take a shower, brush my teeth, go get back in bed w her, and "just do what i was born to do." and as soon as i stopped yacking i did just that. you saved my birthday.
She is singing the swedish chef song and throwing utensils. I love this place
Her vagina smelt so bad I lied and told her that I was married just so that she would leave.
She looked at my cock with a kind of resigned disappointment.
This hurricane was the perfect excuse to buy 2 pounds of animal crackers and a case of beer. It's on Sandy.
you sternly forced jackson to start preheating the oven around midnight so you could make bagels in the morning
you were serious about those bagels
At least his std test came back clean, gotta look at the positives here
My early Valentine's Day one night stand just took an uber home. Thank you, technology, for letting me enjoy this day in peace. 😍
We had to push you home in an abandoned shopping trolley. You thought you were in a pirate boat and kept yelling "AVAST, ME HEARTIES".
You were so drunk you told some dude your life story in one short sentence... and kissed his fiancé. You're invited to the wedding.
he took my bra off with his teeth, THEN decided he just wanted to make out and cuddle. i don't know what the female version of blue balls is, but i've been living with it since 1 a.m.
Sorry I banged your sister. But in my defense you ain't fucked me in a month. In fact I should get a medal for keeping it in your family.
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