She's JV to your varsity
my life trainwreck boards at 9:30
$22.99 left in the bank til payday = 3($7 jack & coke) + 2($0.89 T-Bell taco) + $0.21 in case of emergency.
math is fun
apparently he couldn't remember my name so he refereed to me as whats-her-boobs and everyone knew that it was me he was talking about
craigslist free llama. are you in or are you in?
Found her. Shes unconscious up against the room door. Her credit card is in the keycard slot
Lost my virginity dressed as catwoman. He was dressed as batman. Glad I waited.
im so hung over everytime my dog barks the sound vibration makes my whole body hurt
Our DD will meet us there. The strippers are sending a limo to pick him up. He promised them New Years Eve massages. Said he would still drive us home.
Congratulations, you have turned my vagina into a garden hose.
He brought me Plan B in the snowstorm.
A+ 👏🏼
He grabbed my tits and sang "you are so beautiful" to them before faceplanting into my chest
If you ever tell anyone I offered you boob squeezes for cheetos, I'll kill you
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
I know she’s pissed I fucked her husband, but I didn’t know he was married until after I blew him at Legoland
Randomize
