his ringtone is the jonas brothers. get me the fuck out of here NOW.
Things to remember: Girls don't appreciate it when you yell "Beast Mode!" when switching to doggy style.
She made me go with her to get a pregnancy test since she's missed a few birth control pills. She made me park in the "expectant mothers" spot at CVS and preceded to ask if it would be in the pest control section.
You watched "From Justin to Kelly" and sang along to more than half of the songs. I didn't know whether to laugh or to be insanely frightened that you knew almost all the lyrics.
She had one drink in her cleavage and another in her hand. She kept rotating between the two by leaning backward and then sipping the one in her hand.
This would be a good time for the don't get drunk and bang a married chick pep talk...
Took 45 minutes to masturbate. Fuck you Zoloft. I'm never gonna be diagnosed with depression again
that's right. bitches got laser pointers. let's fuck shit up
Shoot me. Oh my god shoot me. My moms ex "likes assholes"
Glad I can drunkenly remember to not get tomatoes on my Mexican pizza but can't tell a guy to keep his hands off my ass
My roommate fed me my birth control pill while I was hungover laying on the couch so that's how my morning has been
Oh god...Did I just fuck a sugar granddaddy?!
If Dr Phil has taught me anything about myself, it’s that I can seriously relate to those women who fake their pregnancies.
We're pretty sure we got naked at Pride, so running the two blocks to your place in my underwear is a step up the dignity ladder really.
Fucking a younger guy is now a game of odds. The chance that he gives me corona virus is outweighed by the evening of orgasms I know he’ll give me.
Randomize
