Just saw a girl that looks like Michelle Obama and Im strangely aroused by her. Does that make me a democrat?
i think i have herpe
just one?
At least my shower head will respect me in the morning.
Ah that type of Dick. I think my phones trying to make me less of a whore by capitalizing Dick. That way it looks like I'm talking about a dude not penis
My bra broke.... so I Macguyvered that shit together with floss
We found them in a dumpster making out trying to get their privacy
If I have to strap one on and give it to you good, you will not die revirginated. That's friendship.
Props to the guy blatantly doing coke in the bathroom at the bar. Walked out of the stall with a credit card in hand, sniffing loudly and shouting "choo choo"
Yeah! Don't let me leave the house without marijuana and a juicer.
The shrooms have turned on carrie. Change of plans. We're getting stoned and finding bacon.
returning from a 6am booty call in 2 feet of snow on a Tuesday is a bold new kind of low for me
I need to hire someone full-time to slap food and dick away from me.
HE MIGHT HAVE YOUR BUTTHOLE, BUT HE CANT HAVE YOUR HEART. THATS MINE.
You called your ex, and talked to her for an hour about how you miss her, came back inside and asked the girl with the biggest tits if you could take a pic with your face in them and sent her the picture.
I just tried to snap you a picture of the CVS where we decided not to become parents.
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