i woke up in his bed, he had my shirt on
and high school musical 3 was playing on his lap top
no its okay don't call 911, she's alive. just stopped by her house and banged on her door. she said she turned her phone off because she "had to be alone with her shame and embarassment". typical.
He came on my face and told me I looked like a gingerbread house.
Even after projectile vomiting watermelon on the beach, it still sounds appetizing.
I gave you a 45 minute blowjob. You were inside me for 3 minutes. I'm going to need you to get your shit together.
maybe volvos are so family friendly and safe because they're extremely uncomfortable to get fucked on.
We're getting paid a considerable amount of money to send each other pictures of our dicks...
Nobody knows who they are, but they have an ice luge so they are welcome in my book
I really thought I'd be the only alcoholic drinking alone in my car at noon in the Lowe's parking lot. Passed out dude in the car next to me begs to differ.
You're wearing a hospital gown and pearls. Let's reevaluate your life.
Don't worry, I'm sure your thrusting skills are on point.
Anyone who does not consider cereal and wine as a balanced breakfast needs to leave immediately.
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
I'm praying to the gods of sex we both get laid this weekend. Amen. Love you
They are in the bedroom next door. We might have a threesome idk. Jesus take the wheel.
GO. DO.
I am Jesus and I am taking the wheel.
Randomize