Phrase i just heard while watching the U.S. open: "Boy they have really trimmed it well, this has got to be the tightest hole in the Open."
I'm drinking away my Christmas cash. People are going to get bar receipts as presents.
she is like cheap alcohol. you can only get so buzzed before you get sick.
I don't have the urge to be a home-wrecker with these two. I think I've grown, don't you?
Just threw up in the garbage can outside the liquor store... I'm pretty sure that's some sort of distress signal.
Purse pizza: the pizza you buy before the club, and you eat on the train home. I thought you knew me by now!
Someone had written "Boxmonsterette" on the bathroom wall and I just knew you'd been here.
are we fucking for lunch or am I using my vibrator ?
I be dancing. See you soon. You can drink tequila from my pants.
I think I just legit sprained my wrist from holding myself up while giving a blow J. God dammit come already
Back at condo with chick. What is the condom situation urgent response needed
I'm supposed to be at work in 10 min, I just woke up and am 45 min away...tinder for the win
If you are refering to the duckling living in your bath...I can explain, but before I do, can you throw a peice of bread in there?
now whenever i pass that house all i can think about is how i pooped in their yard..
no no no no you can't just say your dirtiest secret is "i sat on goldfish by accident once" and just leave i have QUESTIONS
AT LEAST TELL ME IF THE GOLDFISH WAS STILL IN A BOWL??????????????
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