Listen the way I know if I'm drunk is if I have stage fright in the pisser if I do then I'm not drunk! And I definitely still do right now!
I just got hit by a car and apologized to the driver. I asked him if he was okay.
you kept yelling something about watching the muppets chirstmas carol and trying to turn the t.v. on with your car keys
she has no idea who harrison ford is.
see that's why i'd never date someone born in the 90s
I get so lonely sometimes I set my phone's alarm to go off every 5 minutes or so and imagine people are texting me.
My workout was carrying 2 cases home from the grocery. It's Bowl Week.
I drunk wandered into my parents bed and slept between them
I mean what are real friends for if they won't hold down your wedding dress to allow for a keg stand
I am currently listening to someone take a shit. I hate the hole in the ceiling.
Ok. So I've woke up in a hospital. New thing to top that.... Waking up and realizing you've been locked inside the bar by urself at 430 am and all the doors are locked by key
Believe me. As soon as the boss man is out the door. I am on my way to wow your vagina with my horse-like attributes.
after he went down on me he said he wanted an air freshener for his car scented like my vag. i cant even.
I think my FWB just broke up with me and i don't know how I feel about that
You know that gay bartender? Not as gay as we thought.....
there is definitely a hickey on my left nipple.
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