He came in the heat vent in my car. Don't ask how it happened.
I'm heating up a hotdog using a candle.
My roommate just got home. Made an entire package of bacon. Ate it. And then went to bed.
the cops who came hadnt heard yet. when we told them they sang the star spangled banner with us
He came out in cowboy boots and underpants holding a beer while he hugged my mom. I love Montana.
If I EVER think it's a good idea to blow someone who just showed me their synchronized swimming performance on youtube again please correct me immediately.
Wearing the flip cup varsity team sweatshirt was the best descision of my life.
My penis just literally said "Yaaaaaay!!!" It's the first time it's spoken out loud. Before this we could only communicate through rudimentary sign language
"just because you look like a short version of scarlet johanson does not mean I would immediately fuck you" that was the single.most difficult thing to say. but seriously I don't want the roots of the whore tree anywhere near my junk.
Your "dubstep at ceilis" resulted in a random naked guy busting into my room and peeing all over my bathroom
She just left someone a voicemail saying 'you better not have plans Saturday night, cause I'm going to sit on your face.'
She was doing hand motions and used straws from drinks like those airport light batons to have me back my "747 jumbo dick" towards you.
Found a pic on my phone from last night. You're drunk. Arm wrestling some guy. In the bar bathroom. At a baby changing station. It's my new wallpaper.
Remind me to tell you about how I hit a tree with my car last night.
I'll be glad to.
Kids music just accidentally came on at this party. I didn't know how many stoners were here until they all sang along.
Randomize
