there is cereal in my wallet where all the cash used to be.
he got his own cum in his own eye. TWICE. how do you make that mistake again?
i knew it was time to leave when he woke me up only wearing pooh bear oven mitts and holding a plate of thank you pancakes
Changed my mind. Wearing a dress. Casual, with a side of breasts.
And nobody saved him?? That chick had like three teeth TOPS
Thanks for stopping me from letting that 14 year old feel my boobs. Thanks.
He was visibly upset that you'd rather eat nachos than have sex with him.
what whaaaat?! I BET YOU WIN IN THE TEETH DEPARTMENT.
The bartender just hugged us goodnight. I think we go there too often.
She sucks enough dick that I could make her mouth a legitimate Yelp location.
5 hours of volunteer work playing with puppies and banned from the frat I hate most as 'punishment'... Besides the ER trip, I'm not seeing the bad in this situation
Nothing like a little " am I gonna shit myself " to spice up the work day
Currently tripping balls and watching Pink Floyd the wall and I'm crying during it. If this isn't a self realization then I don't know what to tell you.
I'm worried about us. We are almost 30 and we still drink jaeger bombs till we black out. Wait, no I'm not. I'm excited about us.
Omg I'm having dinner at chilli's with a guy who is arguing that getting a weed leaf tatoo on his neck will prevent him from getting a job as a dental assistant
Well that actually sounds reasonable
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