You wanna call me after your homoerotic shower?
when i got to my bed there was a handwritten note that said "wash the sheets." sleeping on the couch.
How many 'remember name' entries is it inappropriate to have in one's cell phone?
When I stretch out her lips her vagina looks like a dolphin...this birthmark is awesome
He came on my chin and called me cumbledore. i give up.
She introduced herself as 'Ann the sober one.' Took me to a coat check and a lost and found. Then offered coffee and breakfast sandwiches. Turns out she's been paying her half of the electric bill running post-party operations.
You should try cooking mac & cheese naked sometime. It's quite relaxing.
I just saw that blonde chick you wanna bang rolling down the hall wearing a Thor mask..
Wow. We're meant to be..
He just snapchatted me a picture of his cock. The angle makes it look like a freakin skyscraper. Thinking of photoshopping a little monkey on it.
I don't think I will ever be as happy about anything as this man next to me on the bus eating Taco Bell.
Can we just talk about how the only thing I have on my camera from this weekend is a video of you putting your whole fist in your mouth hahahha
God it's like my stomach is full of drunk bees
I just did a walk of shame on my own block. one of the old neighbors saw and greeted me "good morning, girl next door"
Like I thought me shitting my pants was bad today... Then the election happened.
Probably shouldn't be looking at memes at my grandmother's funeral
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