He freaked out when I started to orgasm. He said he never knew girls could orgasm too.
Even after projectile vomiting watermelon on the beach, it still sounds appetizing.
There are drunk kids outside our building hugging that cop that's always on his bike as he's citing them for public drunkenness. It's not even 11 am.
When I finally got there you were bleeding all over and you just kept saying over and over that the dog was your only friend at the party.
Dude. It just hit me for a second time. My thumbs are huge and moving very quickly. Like stampeding buffalo...
I was pissing in the urinal at the concert and some drunk chick ran in and yelled 'but the lines to fucking long' then ran out with 10 state troopers chasing her... Yeah
I can feel the fear and stress bubbling in my stomach. Or maybe that is the pregnancy.
Sean getting laid is an anomaly, Sean banging the hottest single girl at the wedding is a fucking unicorn being ridden by a leprechaun walking through mordor.
He stumbled into my room, flopped on my bed, shoes on my pillow and asked me for a juice box. Then fell asleep with the juice box on his forehead.
Eating an avocado like an apple while doing shots of fireball and watching finding nemo. I need to get my shit together.
I just sucked dick on a ferry
Showed up to the airport to find my fuck buddy is on the same flight. Do you think he'd be intertested in the mile high club?
Nah, just stick him in a closet with some cheetos, a blunt and soda. The darkness will calm him down until Mallory can be located.
What’s the best way to find out if he’s into anal?
I think you have the wrong number, but good luck with that
WAIT YOU’VE NEVER BEEN TO COSTCO???
COSTCO IS MAGICAL
I can’t believe you two made a group text to scream at me about Costco.
Randomize
