I am not drunk. I will recite the pledge.
I don't want you to recite the pledge!
Pledge alligien to america to united states of america
Im gonna name my vag after egypt, "the valley of kings"
you'll never believe how fucking awesome rain man is when you're stoned.
So after the reception we snuck back into the church for drunken hook up. we passed out there and woke up in time for 6am mass still dressed from the wedding. spiritually trashy or classy?
i woke up to my roomate hitting me in the head with a can of PBR at 8:30 in the morning...i love spring break
Lost my credit card. M has a bottle of blood in her pocket from a hobo.
who was wearing the fake mustache? I just found one in my cleavage
so the x-ray technician didnt buy my story of falling off a curb. she said a fall of that height couldnt snap the bone that way. bitch called me a drunken idiot too. if she wasnt so hot i'd be angry
I'm promoting my liver to CEO of my body cause it clearly works harder than anything else.
iphones do not disturb setting is the biggest cock block to my 3am booty calls
Who wouldn't want a man who can knock a guy out but also loves the bachelor.
It's the best of both worlds
I just want to have beer shits in my own bathroom. Is that too much to ask for?
It would be weird sobbing cry sex.
Can you please bring the nipple sombrero up?
Alone, in the dark, eating tacos and drinking vodka. Who's apartment is this?
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